My Birth Story: Trauma
I have been helping one of my best friends sometimes watch her 3 month old, baby Maya. She is sooooo cute and my new favorite model lol
For the most part she is a very happy baby. Easy going and thanks to the heads up her mama gave me, very predictable. For example, after she eats, when she is done with the bottle, she cries for 30 seconds and then just stops. My friend warned me that she would do that and to not give her another bottle. And sure enough, it happens every time.
I wanted to share though how my first day with her, triggered some trauma from my daughter's birth. In previous posts I have spoken about my near death experience giving birth to my daughter, and how afterwards I was left unable to walk for a couple of months. It was very heart breaking to not be allowed to breastfeed (due to the many medications I was put on) I was unable to take care of my newborn, I needed someone to help me do the most basic things-down to taking a shower or being helped to lay down.
My first day with Maya I had her on the carrier since she didn't want to be put down. I needed to cook and clean. At some point as I'm walking towards my bedroom and have her in my arms, I realized this was not something I was able to do with my daughter when she was about Maya's age. Of course I burst into tears.
I wasn't able to walk around with my infant and do simple things with her. I couldn't have her in the carrier when she was that age. I couldn't do things that many take for granted. I couldn't pick her up when she cried, I couldn't feed her on my feet, or walk around with her to help her fall asleep. I was able to comfortably do that with my daughter about month 4 or a little before. But definitely for the first 2 months and some change, I could barely even keep myself up. I had started with a wheelchair, then a walker and eventually a cane. Now, I don't need any of those things, thank God.
I love watching her and her sister, they are the sweetest girls. I share this in the spirit of sharing my story with others that might be experiencing similar things. For years I suppressed a lot of my feelings and never dealt with my problems. It all caught up to me. This year has been the first year were I have and will allow myself to FEEL the good and the bad. And for that reason (and others), this year has been the best year ever and yet one of the worsts of my life. So its ok that I had a sad moment watching this sweet baby girl; I had it, felt it, dealt with it and moved on from it. And that makes me feel really proud of myself!
