"I Have a Depressed Spouse"
- Mar 3, 2017
- 3 min read
"Depression in a marriage often disrupts communication and social patterns and can even contribute to depressed mood in the “non-depressed” spouse"
The harmful effects of depression not only extend to those suffering from it. Depression also has an effect on loved ones and this is a side of the story that is not often spoken of. Many partners suffer in silence, feeling almost guilty that they too are suffering when their partner is struggling with a mental illness. While one gets more and more depressed, the other grows more angry and resentful. One partner feels helpless while the other picks up the slack and feels unsupported. Its a vicious cycle that is hard to get out of without professional help.
Depression runs in my family and it is something I have experienced personally. In my lifetime I have had two major episodes and I'm sure some minor ones here and there; On top of my ongoing anxiety. My husband also suffers from depression, so I can say I have been on both sides of the equation. And let me tell you... both sides are equally hard! In this post I want to focus on the side that I personally believe is spoken less about... the non-depressed spouse.
Did you know that "depressed couples are nine times more likely to divorce."? Depression is a chemical imbalance, it is not something that just goes away or like the "blues;" Someone can't just snap out of it. Genetics also play a role in this and make you more susceptible to this illness. If you believe you or someone you love might be depressed, please seek professional help.
One piece of advice for the partners of someone depressed is, do not take this on as something you can fix or blame yourself if you can't make your partner happy. This is not a you issue! Your partner is going through something and your love or the things you do won't cure it. Just like you need medicine to cure something, you can't hug this gone. All you can do is be there to the best of your ability and encourage them to get professional help. Do not take on this weight as your own. It is their path to take and figure out.
Try to see the depression as an intruder, as a third "person" or "thing" trying to get in the way. This is not your partner talking or acting. He or she is under the influence of a mental illness. Your partner might act distant, might say hurtful things, might be on a shorter fuse... this is not who they are. Although those actions and words hurt and its not okay for you to be treated that way because they are going through something... it is helpful to remember this is the depression talking and not them. Depression is real, it is a disease and it kills.
Take care of yourself! "It can be trying to maintain one’s own optimism and joy in life when someone you love is under a constant cloud." Keep an eye out for red flags within yourself and seek support if you need it. Its crippling to have a depressed spouse, but try not to give into the anger and resentment. If you find yourself being angry and less patient with your partner, seek professional support. Partners of depressed spouses are more likely to fall into a depression themselves. Hopefully things improve before the non-depressed spouse feels they have to leave to save themselves. You still deserve to be loved and don't sacrifice yourself dealing with your spouses needs.
Being the spouse of someone that is depressed is a thankless job often with your own partner condemning you. You take on so much in the hopes of helping your partner and lightening their load. THANK YOU for giving it your best! Thank you for loving them in their darkest moments.
Seriously...
THANK YOU
As with most of my posts, I always mention that everyone should do their own research and this is purely me sharing my opinion and what I have learned. I am not a doctor, and highly encourage all my readers to seek professional help, specially when dealing with depression. Thank you of stopping by!
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